Inside A VIP Mind – Syed Moazzam Hai

Commoners just don’t understand the nasty stress a VIP constantly endures in this country. Despite dazzling droves of government and non-government heavy duty monster vehicles, a terror posse of guards and gangsters, routes and hooters, VIP lounges, halted flights, millions and billions in overflowing booty, burgeoning businesses and trophy properties around the globe, despite an all-expenses-paid life, despite all the oomph there’s this nagging shrill whisper resounding at the back of my mind that keeps reminding me of the inferiority of character and conduct that’s me.

Unfortunately this is not an individual dilemma. The malaise is endemic among the community of VIPs and keeps us permanently restless for more power, pelf and protocol in order to suppress that nauseating feel of being – inherently – a Very Inferior Person. When commoners accuse me of being a Very Insatiable Person they miss the point. They know nothing about the intensity of pain a VIP like me undergoes to overcome that overpowering sense of being originally inferior.

Commoners are zealously jealous of my merry presence on TV and government ads in press; they maliciously label them as cheap personal publicity at public expense and call me a Very Insignificant Person for flashing what they consider pseudo significance. On the other hand they don’t remember any of the VIPs, the omnipotent ministers, chief ministers, governors, bureaucrats Etc of the past – as recent as a few years ago – and frankly neither do I.

Historic insignificance is the eventual destiny for us VIPs and being a Very Incapable Person of ever doing anything of meaningful significance for the people and this country I know my eventual destiny. I know that the present glory is ultimately transient so why not flaunt it while it lasts.

Uncouth commoners question the grandeur of my ways and have the audacity to quote examples of North American and European VIPs, eulogising them as simple and down to earth. Don’t they see that I am also down to earth when in America and Europe? Back in Pakistan I may not be down to earth overtly but inwardly I am down to the reality that I am a Very Incompetent Person.

I am practical enough to accept the fact that I hold no proper knowledge, no practical plans, no depth of personality, no patriotic passion to do anything any worthwhile in any way for this country. I thus swagger around immersed from head to toe in designer suits, shoes and watches, drenched in pricy perfumes to make a personally statement. If those western VIPs let their work speak for them, I let my personal effects spark for me. And then I am a very competent person in doing what makes sense to me – making money, nothing beats that.

Unscrupulous commoners and jealous have-nots hold me responsible for everything that goes awry under the dusty rusty sky – from people dying in floods to children dying of hunger, from loadshedding to daily bloodletting, from mass poverty to mass illiteracy. But I hold no regret or remorse as I never hold myself responsible for alleviating any of that mess. I have no qualms in cherishing the fact that I am a Very Irresponsible Person and I make this amply clear with all my to-ing and fro-ing so it’s people’s fault if they still expect anything otherwise from me.

Many a begrudging commoners deem me a Very Incorrigible Person who’s never reforming himself, never learning from past mistakes. They are factually wrong; I do learn from every stint in power and so have evolved the art of money minting to such perfection where I no more deny charges of corruption but challenge everyone to prove my corruption.

These saucy commoners have the sauciness to regard me as a Very Insensitive Person, calling me callous to the conditions of the people around me but the reality is that I have remarkably changed the conditions of the people around me from my family members, relatives to my friends, cronies and sycophants the assorted chamchas, their family members, relatives and their assorted chamchas. These are people who couldn’t even afford a bicycle but now cruise around in sleek sedans. They lived in dingy dwellings but now dwell in swanky villas. I thus prove erroneous all my unworthy detractors who cry foul accusing me of not using my power and position for the people.

They say I flatter those mightier than me. I blabber in English to those proud of their languages, and they call me a Very Insecure Person from the inside. And I say: whatever you say, I am a VIP. – See more at: